How I feel about being 23

Today, while I was at work working, my BFF emailed me this question: "Contemplating:

if someone told you they could accurately predict your future but you had to pick one thing they would predict about, what would you pick? would you want to know at all?"

The truth is, I think about this a lot. In my head, I want to know how my story ends all the time. I want to know all the time what I will make of myself. And I worry all the time that I'll be disappointed by my life and feel that I wasn't able to fulfill my potential (or maybe that my potential wasn't able to fulfill me). I try to combat this anxiety by planning and planning and planning, but all my plans can't really give me control over my future. There are so many elements that go into making a future and making a life: hard work and stamina, certainly, but also circumstance and luck.

Sometimes I feel that my own ambition (and impatience, and passion) will overwhelm me and I will never exceed it, or even satisfy it. I can sort of see where I want to go, partially, but even if I feel like I'm running as fast as I can, I still don't know if I will ever get there. In fact, I think one of my personal life lessons is to be more appreciative and accepting of the beginning or the middle parts of a journey, and to maybe even enjoy the middle parts: to stop running, take a deep breath, and just be where I am.

So, yes, I worry all the time whether or not I will be OK with my own outcome, but would I want to know the answer if someone could tell me? What if the answer is no?

In the end, I don't think I could ask a question because I think one of my personal life lessons is to learn how to stop asking.

For me, this is what it feels like to be 23.